The Dangers of Essential Oils, By Alex Weamer *Contains Satire*


Investigators have recently discovered that several BHS teachers ars controlling the minds of their students via essential oil diffusers. AP Psychology teacher Jack Stoddart is at the forefront of the controversy.
It seems that these essential oils, used widely by staff at BHS, have a certain chemical compound that “unlocks” the mind through their incredibly potent scents. Stoddart did not reveal a whole lot on the subject, due to the serious repercussions that could come from unveiling such serious subject matter. However he did say a few things that were quite interesting.
“Specific to my classroom, I use a secret concoction called Ygolohcysp PA that induces positive academic behaviors in students and a special affinity for the study of psychology. A few minutes into an AP Psychology class, students are overwhelmed with an indescribable urge to participate in discussion, listen actively to outrageously dynamic lectures, perform at the highest of academic levels, and fall in love with the study of the human mind and behavior.” Stoddart claimed.
Though Stoddart believes that his “Ygolohcysp PA” concoction has a positive effect on students, some students disagree. Three BHS seniors, who wished to remain anonymous, all claimed that they have felt some of the effects of the oils, especially after lunch, in a not-so-positive way.

“Yeah dude, like, I went into Mr. Stoddart’s room after lunch and got some weird vibes,” one student explained. “He was using really crazy words talking about the brain and it just felt like some weird stuff was going on… My dad told me that those psychology guys use mind control all the time!”
Although the student didn’t seem to have a single clue as to what he was talking about or even where he was, his comments were extremely believable.
Another anonymous senior went on to say that he had experienced extreme anxiety and lack of control while the oil diffuser was present.
“I just feel like super overwhelmed a lot of the time. There are just a lot of big words and stuff and I feel like I just don’t understand, which is like weird because I usually get stuff. I think it’s because of the weird mist thing in the room. It like really distracts me and like I just don’t understand like what’s up,” the distressed senior explained.
Recent complaints from a few psychology students have been answered by frequent essential oil dog visits to Stoddart’s classroom and others.
Dean of Students Carl Neely says, “This is a very serious problem, and we have brought in the dogs to investigate some of the oils to make sure that no harmful chemicals are being used on students.”
So far nothing has been found. However emails are being sent out informing parents to excuse students from the class until this issue is resolved.
“I highly advise that all students refrain from attending any class in which any essential oil diffusers are present, until we get this thing figured out,” Neely said.


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