In a surprise that few pundits predicted, Hawk Tawk, the student newspaper at Bozeman High School, released an article promoting conservative values.
“We just figured it would help us appeal to less of our intended audience,” said staff writer Alexa Runnion. “One of our main goals has always been to decrease our readership to zero, and this is just the first step in that direction, because literally no one ever wanted to hear a conservative perspective–there just are no conservatives in Bozeman.”
News editor Emma Bowen agreed: “Mmm, yeah. I just really think it was time. Way too many people read Hawk Tawk right now.”
Upon the article’s publication, students were so appalled by the blatant lack of one-sided progressive bias that they recycled every copy of the paper they could find. Student hacktivists also quickly filled the Hawk Tawk website with memes of Dreamworks Minions dropping microphones on the heads of the Hawk Tawk co-editors-in chief, Megan Castle and Justice Geddes.
“I’ve never been in a meme before,” Castle said excitedly. “Do you think they could do our Facebook page, too?”
The paper’s readers did not share her excitement.
“Where is the monthly article condemning pro-lifers?” BHS senior Hannah McWhorter asked, while pointing aggressively at page 22 of the newspaper. “It’s normally right here! Where is it?!?”
Cries of “I can’t find the gay agenda!” filled the hallways, and one reader choked on her vegan bacon upon seeing the word “good” in the same sentence as the word “traditional” on page four.
“Who thought that was a good idea?” freshman Josie Strand exclaimed. “Conservatism? I thought this was a high school paper!”
At press time, Hawk Tawk staff, looking embarrassed, was busy shredding every copy of the offending article. An update to their Facebook page promised consistent #FeeltheBern-level liberal bias in the future.