Budt and Thane Annouce Unamicable Divorce, By Shaciah Lee *Contains Satire*

After a long period of professional togetherness, BHS teachers Adam Thane and Dave Budt recently announced they are getting a divorce.
The split was brought on by a serious historical disagreement: Whether Joseph Stalin or the older version of Friedrich Nietzsche sported a better mustache. Budt stands in firm support of Stalin, whereas Thane demands the answer is Nietzsche. The two have been fighting about this for months. The tension was increased by many other disagreements, such as Thane’s constant corrections of Budt’s pronunciations during his lectures.
Because of this, the school has decided to split up next year’s AP European History and Honors English classes. Thane is especially relieved.
“It’s about time we moved past the dead white male as a foundational cultural element in our society,” explains Thane, whose new English class will focus mostly on haiku poems and author James Joyce, with an emphasis on Saint Patrick’s Day, kilts, and yoga.
So fat, the separation process has not been an easy one.

According to Budt, the fellow AP European History teachers have spent long, taxing days in court fighting over custodial rights to their speech and debate students. The State-winning team, which has been successful in Montana for over 40 years, is now falling to pieces due to the divorce of their two head coaches.
The Bozeman High School Speech and Debate Team will now be split into two separate teams, under the custody of Budt and Thane, respectively. Additionally, each Tuesday, Thane will get to see the speech team for two hours, while Budt gets visitation with the debaters.
The Speech and Debate team is completely torn up by this news.
“It’s pretty awful,” says junior debater Rachel Schmidt. “Budt was the team’s dad, so it’s going to be really hard only seeing him once a week. I can’t believe Thane and Budt are actually going their separate ways. They held this team together.”
Schmidt broke into tears upon imagining the future situation.
“Thane is great, but how is the debate team going to go on without Mr. B? We need him. I need him,” continued a choked-up Schmidt.
“This is a disgrace to America,” declares Lila Reichenbach. “If Budt and Thane can’t stick it out, then where’s the hope for our country?”
Hawk Tawk is too afraid to ask Thane to comment.

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